Not in the mood.

That's right I'm not in the mood. I am forcing myself to wrte this because I feel I should write something, even if there is nothing to say.
Maybe it will make me feel better but I doubt it. Lately it has been like water is rising to my mouth and I am trying to gulp air as I choke on water. It kills me to breathe because i feel like I am suffocating.

I know the drama is stifling isn't it? Yes. I'll answer for you, it is. I think I am keyboard dislexic. I must be. I was just telling a friend of mine about how I must be the only writer that can't type. You would think that after 20 years of working daily on a computer that I would be able to type like a 1950's secretary, but no its like someone cut off all of my fingers at the first knuckle with a tree pruner.

I was visiting tshirthell.com and I saw this shirt that said "autistic kids rock" - there was a picture of a kid rocking back and forth like autistic kids do. I laughed my fucken head off and then I felt really bad for laughing. Rotten. Why are we all so rotten? Sure I tell myself that I was laughing because of the clever use of the pun but I doub't I am being truthful with myself. Go to the site and see for yourself - i am not condoning it - but there will be something there you will laugh at that you shoudn't be.

I suck my tongue in remembrance of you. Bjiork said that. is it a girl thing cause I don't get it. Do you? Gee I guess i really do have something to say - funny how that goes - the times I find myself not wanting to write are usually the times I write the best.

Boy am I ever an asshole.

Not it the mood. Pretentious huh?

Rotter - Rotten -

Sounds like things might get rotten today. Yeah - rotten. There is little else to say.
I can't help but think about gutting the people around me.

That Old Creepy Feeling

Today I heard on the radio it is supposed to go down to minus thirty two. What this does for you - who knows but it intimidates me and makes me feel nauseated because i hate the cold. Between this, the constant mess my cats keep making, the way my chin keeps dropping, and how it keeps getting harder and harder to get out of bed - I am wondering how long I will be able to go on.

I remember another time long ago when things started to go sour on another blog and I was threatening to blow my head off with a shotgun. That was on Hatelife.org which no longer is. Yes it was all down and out and I get the feeling things are about to go south again real soon.

In real life I was taken in for some mild observation - just for a few days of bed rest and questioning - but it did get to that extent. I had to lie down because I was loosing my fucking mind.

I think it is happeing again - but lets give it a few days and see what happens - I promise to write it all here 4 u.

Friday January 14th - Half of January is over.

So my last post was pretty depressing - I wonder why? We are listening to Eurotrash at the office today - I am waiting for my Ipod to charge - I expedialte it to and from work listening to audio books. The drive takes about 40 minutes on a good day - sometimes I can do it in a half of an hour - other times it takes a full hour. Currently I am hearing Edgar Allan Poe - I am finding it to be very unsettling - to think that in the 1800's people like him were having thought s like me - see this could get depressing again. It could start to explaore the fact that everyting is done already so why even try to do anything. No lets not go there. We did that yesterday - or at least something like it.

Tonight I am going to my Inlaws for a BBQ - they have this big steal vat that they start a fire in and then they put a grill on it and throw all kinds of delicous meats on it. Sausage (home made), steak, panchetta, ribs and chicken. It will most likely be served with home made wine, chilled potatoes with wine vinegar, tossed green salad and so on. the meal will end with espresso and brandy shots.

The tomorrow morning I will go and see my father in Lindsay.

Fifty

In ten years I will be fifty - In the time it took to go from 0 to ten years old.

I can't even remember that time - nor can I remember from ten to twenty. Half of it was spent getting kicked in the stomach and the other half was spent either drunk or whacked out on paint thinners - Somewhere in there i lost my virginity, decided to get into advertising, and made a hell of a lot of really stupid mistakes. Yeah a very forgetful decade come to think of it.

From twenty to thirty things went pretty much the same except that I got fucked over way more and felt extemely confused - overall I think this was my most confusing time - even more than the ten-to-twenty decade. Most likely because it was serious confusion. Meaning that I knew what I was confused about, but was still confused.

From thirty to forty things started to get better - there were a few volitile years there that surely could of had things go a number of different ways - including death, substance addiction, incarceration, and social system failure - (meaning that I may of turned out to not be a very good contributer to the economy.) These years still stand pretty clear and have little distortion. But they too are fading. Time seems to fade things out like the sun. The longer you are exposed to the rinse of time the thinner things get.

I think I have actually forgotten whom I was. And I beleive that I have been a number of different people. It wasn't until about the mid-twenties that i began sculpting who I was or whom I wanted to be - I just let things turn out the way they came out and "trusted" the animialism of my social behaviour.

Things make more sense now primarily because I have decided to make sense out of them. Acutually for no other reason. So now I am taking on another ten years - and at this time I feel that these will be the make-or-break ones that will really allow me to decide where I settle. Sure when I'm fifty I will most likely have a different outlook on this - shit by then I may be a totally different person. But if I had to bet on it I would have to say that I will most likely stay pretty much the same.

The changing is pretty much over - at least that is how I see it. I feel like I am running out of time - but not in a bad way - just a more urgent feeling boils in my gut to get things done. The pacivity is weakening in me and I feel more confident taking what I want out of life and making something out of it rather than just WAITING to see what happens.

Yeah in no time at al I will be 50. And you too will be ten years older.

Just exactly where are you?

The Towering Inferno

So it seems to be summer today. Maybe things are really going to get hot - everything will burst into flames. Trees will explode like matches and turn into huge flaming torches that cover our parked cars with ash - I am feeling delusional today - it must be because of that time I was touched by an uncle.

No not in the manner you're thinking - why does everything have to be interpreted as sexual - pig.

I was touched by my magic uncle with his magic finger - kind of like ET The Terrestrial - His finger lit up and when he touched it to my forehead it felt all hot like sticking your head under a shower facet.

I have the power u know - It's true I'm magic.

Poof you are a bag of shit.

filthy talk

Yes - yes - yes. So finally I started to work on my book again - i have been avoiding it for weeks - falling in and out of love with it. Sour really the way one procrastinates things and has to rely on mood to define action - i hate that. I have been reading CHUCK PALAHNIUK's book Stranger Than Fiction - some of the stories are more boring than the Iliad - while others are extremely interesting and inspiring - i hate floating through shit to find chocolate, but you got to do what you got to do - overall the book is worth it and although there are weak moments he saves his face with some great ones -

Today there is a sheet - rock coating of ice over everything. People panicked and ran through the streets with their hair on fire. I just drove to work trying to avoid hitting too many of them on the way. Two didn't make it, and i saw a car beside me take out one that I had just narrowly missed.

There was a chunk of hair caught in the front of my Honda emblem. i noticed it flagging in the wind as i was trying to balance on the ice lathered pavement of the parking lot. I pulled it off with my leather gloves on and released it into the wind - not for sure but I thought i could smell perfume on it.

David Adams Richards

Still feeling rather sour - but i did get a positive response from David Adams Richards on my first chapter submission this weekend - His reply to my work was curt, accurate and quite interesting but his handwriting is AUTROCIOUS - something i will have to get used to - so because of this i will rewrite my intro chapter and begin honeing some of the cliches out of the plot that he described - I am going to send him an outline too - this will set things up for him a little bit and then he will not have to try to figure out what my intentions are.

Yeah still ill - feeling a little feverish and my chest is taut - poor me - i have to go now I have 4 Radio spots to write for end of day tomorrow - a writer gave his shot at them but they were rather shoddy. Surprising really. I guess I really can write?

Wireless Recovery

Today i returned to work after one and one half days off - I slept for most of the time or just layed there and watched sattelite television - surprisingly I found it too be quite satisfying. - Yeah I could of easily stayed home another day but I came to work to try and make this illness come to an earlier close - I still feel pretty shitty - So the weather is freezing rain and snow - it should take about 2 hours to get home - I will listen to my ipod books to kill the time - I transmit it through my car radio - they say it is safer this way.

I bought a linksys B router today for 129.99 - a 20.00 rebate - it includes a card for my laptop and will dissolve all of my network woes - hopefully it will help with the load times on EQ2 - if u dont know what that means then don't worry about it -you won't care if i tell u.

Yeah so the B router is great for internet and basic home networking - the G costs 2x as much but will not increase your internet service speed because the average cable connection is 4 and the B will take up to 11 so this makes purchasing the G redundant - unless you need super fast networking speed fron PC to PC - And so on.

I think I will wait until the weekend before I hook all of this up because it wll take some time and I don't have the energy. I have to go now because a friend of mine needs his car boosted - he has a dead battery obviously so I gotta go and give him a boost.

Pity Party

It's happening and there is nothing I can do about it. Glasses of cold water and Advil, orange juice, vitamins, coffee, clementines, there is no cure - i can feel it creeping up the back of my neck and pressuring me behind my ears. My throat is thick and whien I flex my head back the muscles ache in the base of my scull...

I should of stayed in bed today. I should of turned around when I had the idea to just blocks from my house. Shit even my scarf was telling me to go home. I was sure by the time I made it to the office it would of strangled me if I hadn't taken it off.

Even Howard Stern was making me sick - although he usually does - but today his narcissistic meglomaniac attitude made me wretch bile and coffee to the roof of my mouth ( i had to swallow it ). Yeah he and his minions were killing me - the minions kiss his ass constantly - hovering around him verbally like flies around a fresh chunk of feces.

But enough about him this is about me - and if u haven't gathered it yet i feel like crap today. The contemplation of leaving early is setting in and I am only going to commit to lunchtime for sure. I have to write some radio spot treatments today. New treatments for an old concept. It is like trying to come up with a better way to slice bread.

Boo Hoo poor me. Oh woe is me - what can i do - such a hard done by. The self pity is making me sicker. Yes now I can completely confess that the writing of this has taken me to a complete point of discust. Writing more will just make things worse because i am getting a sense of how shit it is. Rotten - just rotten - everything is shit.