Fifty

In ten years I will be fifty - In the time it took to go from 0 to ten years old.

I can't even remember that time - nor can I remember from ten to twenty. Half of it was spent getting kicked in the stomach and the other half was spent either drunk or whacked out on paint thinners - Somewhere in there i lost my virginity, decided to get into advertising, and made a hell of a lot of really stupid mistakes. Yeah a very forgetful decade come to think of it.

From twenty to thirty things went pretty much the same except that I got fucked over way more and felt extemely confused - overall I think this was my most confusing time - even more than the ten-to-twenty decade. Most likely because it was serious confusion. Meaning that I knew what I was confused about, but was still confused.

From thirty to forty things started to get better - there were a few volitile years there that surely could of had things go a number of different ways - including death, substance addiction, incarceration, and social system failure - (meaning that I may of turned out to not be a very good contributer to the economy.) These years still stand pretty clear and have little distortion. But they too are fading. Time seems to fade things out like the sun. The longer you are exposed to the rinse of time the thinner things get.

I think I have actually forgotten whom I was. And I beleive that I have been a number of different people. It wasn't until about the mid-twenties that i began sculpting who I was or whom I wanted to be - I just let things turn out the way they came out and "trusted" the animialism of my social behaviour.

Things make more sense now primarily because I have decided to make sense out of them. Acutually for no other reason. So now I am taking on another ten years - and at this time I feel that these will be the make-or-break ones that will really allow me to decide where I settle. Sure when I'm fifty I will most likely have a different outlook on this - shit by then I may be a totally different person. But if I had to bet on it I would have to say that I will most likely stay pretty much the same.

The changing is pretty much over - at least that is how I see it. I feel like I am running out of time - but not in a bad way - just a more urgent feeling boils in my gut to get things done. The pacivity is weakening in me and I feel more confident taking what I want out of life and making something out of it rather than just WAITING to see what happens.

Yeah in no time at al I will be 50. And you too will be ten years older.

Just exactly where are you?