what time is it?

My browser at the office is so out-dated that I will not be able to post here much more - this post will suck extra because i really don't have anything to say. I just feel that I should post - wha...

Across Donald's Brain

So rumor has it one can become known in the fiction writing world by getting discovered through their blog. Apparently agents and the likes scour bloggs to discover NEW talent. Bloggs are becoming big business. The chances of this happening must be narrow? How could someone search bloggs to find writers? I think it's bullshit. But the Quill & Quire says its true and they even have testimonies.

So just in case - sure, I would love to send you may manuscripts - and fuckoff too cause i said so - the chances of you finding this blogg are comparable to me finding a swiss army knife in my ass or maybe a diamond in my foreskin.

Yes I know i haven't been writing very much lately - Why you ask? Well because I have been blocked for about three months - what usually happens is I think about writing and I plan to write and then I just don't write. It works really well because you set yourself up to dissapoint yourself. Hell just last night I wanted to rip my eyes out in frustration. Yes its true, a great way to learn to hate yourself is to put expectations on yourself, and then never deliver, The great thing is that after a few times of doing so you can fool yourself into thinking you will really do it this time - you say things like yeah I really am going to write all day Saturday - for sure! Then you sit on your ass and play with your toys or get yourself distracted on purpose. The whole time you know exactly what you are doing and you get off on the fact that you have challenged and insubordonated your own inner self.

Great stuff this self abuse! A very entertaining way of torturing yourself for the shear pleasure of fighting off you own inner authority figure. I am sure this is the core meaning of procrastination - the act of self denial because you can deny. Lovely.

So today I opt to not fall into this trap of traps.... but this in and of itself could be just another of .

What Else...

Not much really - no not much at all....

The Business of you too....

So U2, Apple, U2, Ipod, U2, Itunes, U2 .... U2 ..... U2 ..... i know a few U2 fans and I wonder what they think - actually I don't care I just thought it would be cool to talk about it.

U2 is not cool, they are just another Gap or Pepsi. They started out being pollitical and I hear they are still trying to be - but how can something so commercial be pollitical? I am sure that the commercial aspects of the U2 money machine handle the reins of the pollitical involvements and attitudes the comany encompasses. The new album "how to dismantle an atomic bomb" is a master work of commercial music production - the writing included. When I hear the words I wonder to myself how many writers poked and moulded the tight phrases together.

I don't know for sure but I would bet that Bono or whomever had little to do with the writing - besides maybe hiring them. But remember I am guessing all of this. I just remember them walking through the snow in their first video in the 1980's and then I compare that to their expansive million-dollar video productions of today and I think wow - U2 was once a band of honesty and purpose - one that told us things about the state of the Irish struggle and the plight of the commoner. Is this true or were they always the charlatans they are now?

Well who cares right? I just find it a little facinating looking at the comparison. To see the difference between them then and now. I like to call it the Micheal Jackson Syndrome.

I used to believe in apple but not for a few years now. I do own an Ipod and I did buy the U2 latest album. So all of this is most likely my own fault.

U2 is a product of our own making - If we want to buy it then I guess they have to sell it.
What would I do if it was me? I mean if I was Bono - well I would do pretty close to exactly the same thing.

Not in the mood.

That's right I'm not in the mood. I am forcing myself to wrte this because I feel I should write something, even if there is nothing to say.
Maybe it will make me feel better but I doubt it. Lately it has been like water is rising to my mouth and I am trying to gulp air as I choke on water. It kills me to breathe because i feel like I am suffocating.

I know the drama is stifling isn't it? Yes. I'll answer for you, it is. I think I am keyboard dislexic. I must be. I was just telling a friend of mine about how I must be the only writer that can't type. You would think that after 20 years of working daily on a computer that I would be able to type like a 1950's secretary, but no its like someone cut off all of my fingers at the first knuckle with a tree pruner.

I was visiting tshirthell.com and I saw this shirt that said "autistic kids rock" - there was a picture of a kid rocking back and forth like autistic kids do. I laughed my fucken head off and then I felt really bad for laughing. Rotten. Why are we all so rotten? Sure I tell myself that I was laughing because of the clever use of the pun but I doub't I am being truthful with myself. Go to the site and see for yourself - i am not condoning it - but there will be something there you will laugh at that you shoudn't be.

I suck my tongue in remembrance of you. Bjiork said that. is it a girl thing cause I don't get it. Do you? Gee I guess i really do have something to say - funny how that goes - the times I find myself not wanting to write are usually the times I write the best.

Boy am I ever an asshole.

Not it the mood. Pretentious huh?

Rotter - Rotten -

Sounds like things might get rotten today. Yeah - rotten. There is little else to say.
I can't help but think about gutting the people around me.

That Old Creepy Feeling

Today I heard on the radio it is supposed to go down to minus thirty two. What this does for you - who knows but it intimidates me and makes me feel nauseated because i hate the cold. Between this, the constant mess my cats keep making, the way my chin keeps dropping, and how it keeps getting harder and harder to get out of bed - I am wondering how long I will be able to go on.

I remember another time long ago when things started to go sour on another blog and I was threatening to blow my head off with a shotgun. That was on Hatelife.org which no longer is. Yes it was all down and out and I get the feeling things are about to go south again real soon.

In real life I was taken in for some mild observation - just for a few days of bed rest and questioning - but it did get to that extent. I had to lie down because I was loosing my fucking mind.

I think it is happeing again - but lets give it a few days and see what happens - I promise to write it all here 4 u.

Friday January 14th - Half of January is over.

So my last post was pretty depressing - I wonder why? We are listening to Eurotrash at the office today - I am waiting for my Ipod to charge - I expedialte it to and from work listening to audio books. The drive takes about 40 minutes on a good day - sometimes I can do it in a half of an hour - other times it takes a full hour. Currently I am hearing Edgar Allan Poe - I am finding it to be very unsettling - to think that in the 1800's people like him were having thought s like me - see this could get depressing again. It could start to explaore the fact that everyting is done already so why even try to do anything. No lets not go there. We did that yesterday - or at least something like it.

Tonight I am going to my Inlaws for a BBQ - they have this big steal vat that they start a fire in and then they put a grill on it and throw all kinds of delicous meats on it. Sausage (home made), steak, panchetta, ribs and chicken. It will most likely be served with home made wine, chilled potatoes with wine vinegar, tossed green salad and so on. the meal will end with espresso and brandy shots.

The tomorrow morning I will go and see my father in Lindsay.

Fifty

In ten years I will be fifty - In the time it took to go from 0 to ten years old.

I can't even remember that time - nor can I remember from ten to twenty. Half of it was spent getting kicked in the stomach and the other half was spent either drunk or whacked out on paint thinners - Somewhere in there i lost my virginity, decided to get into advertising, and made a hell of a lot of really stupid mistakes. Yeah a very forgetful decade come to think of it.

From twenty to thirty things went pretty much the same except that I got fucked over way more and felt extemely confused - overall I think this was my most confusing time - even more than the ten-to-twenty decade. Most likely because it was serious confusion. Meaning that I knew what I was confused about, but was still confused.

From thirty to forty things started to get better - there were a few volitile years there that surely could of had things go a number of different ways - including death, substance addiction, incarceration, and social system failure - (meaning that I may of turned out to not be a very good contributer to the economy.) These years still stand pretty clear and have little distortion. But they too are fading. Time seems to fade things out like the sun. The longer you are exposed to the rinse of time the thinner things get.

I think I have actually forgotten whom I was. And I beleive that I have been a number of different people. It wasn't until about the mid-twenties that i began sculpting who I was or whom I wanted to be - I just let things turn out the way they came out and "trusted" the animialism of my social behaviour.

Things make more sense now primarily because I have decided to make sense out of them. Acutually for no other reason. So now I am taking on another ten years - and at this time I feel that these will be the make-or-break ones that will really allow me to decide where I settle. Sure when I'm fifty I will most likely have a different outlook on this - shit by then I may be a totally different person. But if I had to bet on it I would have to say that I will most likely stay pretty much the same.

The changing is pretty much over - at least that is how I see it. I feel like I am running out of time - but not in a bad way - just a more urgent feeling boils in my gut to get things done. The pacivity is weakening in me and I feel more confident taking what I want out of life and making something out of it rather than just WAITING to see what happens.

Yeah in no time at al I will be 50. And you too will be ten years older.

Just exactly where are you?

The Towering Inferno

So it seems to be summer today. Maybe things are really going to get hot - everything will burst into flames. Trees will explode like matches and turn into huge flaming torches that cover our parked cars with ash - I am feeling delusional today - it must be because of that time I was touched by an uncle.

No not in the manner you're thinking - why does everything have to be interpreted as sexual - pig.

I was touched by my magic uncle with his magic finger - kind of like ET The Terrestrial - His finger lit up and when he touched it to my forehead it felt all hot like sticking your head under a shower facet.

I have the power u know - It's true I'm magic.

Poof you are a bag of shit.

filthy talk

Yes - yes - yes. So finally I started to work on my book again - i have been avoiding it for weeks - falling in and out of love with it. Sour really the way one procrastinates things and has to rely on mood to define action - i hate that. I have been reading CHUCK PALAHNIUK's book Stranger Than Fiction - some of the stories are more boring than the Iliad - while others are extremely interesting and inspiring - i hate floating through shit to find chocolate, but you got to do what you got to do - overall the book is worth it and although there are weak moments he saves his face with some great ones -

Today there is a sheet - rock coating of ice over everything. People panicked and ran through the streets with their hair on fire. I just drove to work trying to avoid hitting too many of them on the way. Two didn't make it, and i saw a car beside me take out one that I had just narrowly missed.

There was a chunk of hair caught in the front of my Honda emblem. i noticed it flagging in the wind as i was trying to balance on the ice lathered pavement of the parking lot. I pulled it off with my leather gloves on and released it into the wind - not for sure but I thought i could smell perfume on it.