Please help me.

Oh god these empanadas are killing me - the farts are enough to remove the paint off of antique furniture. Kensington market really makes some anti-social food. Good on the going in and hauntingly disturbing on the way out. How do all of those hemp toting dreadlocked, pierced, anti-offshore, free trade coffee drinking activists put up with it? I have to confess most of the things, or places that I have eaten that are quoted as healthy or organtic all end up just plain giving me the shits.

Now you may say that it is just my gentile nature or more to do with my delicate costitution but I don't buy that at all. For me black bean soup should be classified as a hazardous material. Tofu is license to drop bombs on all of those innocent bystanders at the Carrot Common.

And why does free-trade coffee taste like creek mud?

Oh, there I go again - ewe. Is there any way I can get away from myself?