I'm feeling a little fetid.

Yes my concentration is wavering and my libido is plummeting. There seems to be this hankering odor that I can't get off. It leeches out of my skin like tree-sap and I watch myself slough off repeatedly. I have blisters and welts. I have eruptions and lesions. Oh dear. Oh no. I'm feeling a little tough today. I'm feeling a little like I have been soaked in brine.

Oh dear.

My nipples are scorching.

No furnace on, and I had to break the ice in the toilet to take a dump. Dalbir and I have secretly been seeing each other and it has been great. Last week I lost my baby son at Walmart and we still haven't found him. The cops are telling us that there is a cult going around and stealing babies, cooking them, eating them. They seem to not give us much hope of finding him. Oh well we are supposed to be optimistic in life right? So I say at least there is one less mouth to feed. Today things are going a little better for me. Today I only had one episode. Yesterday, three of them in a row. My wife had to change my diaper three times. She says sh has never seen so much shit come out of one person - I tell her that it doesn't matter what I eat - I have been full of shit my whole life. It's nice not hearing the baby. My hands are cold but my nipples are scorching. Daniela keeps putting her cigarettes out on them - but it is fun to pick at the scabs.

wwwraaaaa

Sitting on a night-train chewing on a jelly roll... Sitting on a night-train chewing on a jelly roll...
Ah yes antoher day of what the fuck to do now. Just so you know I love Karoake! Another day of pull my finger and sniff my ass. Here pull it. Go ahead and pull it you fuck.

......................eh.......................

September 5th and the weather is grey. Grey is a good way to describe it. There is a cat sitting on my lap as I type this and I feel like my guts are made of plasticine - is that how you spell it? At times I want to open the second story window of my office and puke out of it. At times I want to run out into the middle of the street and tell everyone that they are all liars. At times I want to get an RPG and clear out the houses across the street from me just to change the view. I need to cover myself up; I need to get underneath something and feel warm and dark. If my mother was still alive I would try and crawl back into her womb. Fucking stupidity, all of it is just stupid; including me. I am such a fucking narcissist. It's nauseating.

The Website - shameless advocation.

www.explainit.org
Well after two years of pissing around I have finally put my website back on the roster. There is a larger picture in mind here but it is a much more well rounded start than before. Some of the content here shows up there and vise-versa. Have a look at it and if you want me to add you to the links section let me know - I just might do it. So have a look at it and let me know what you think of it - The photos section is not done so most of the content is writing.

Calm - Everything is Calm

The leaves on the trees rustle. The birds sing. The grass is cool underfoot. Everything is calm. I love calm. It makes me so - calm. It's nice to be somewhere that makes me - lets say tranquil.

Ahhh. things are much better now. Yes. I have arrived. Oh where am I again? Right - I am in my "magnificent morning" happy place, that's it. You know - the one that lets you rule your day in a happy way! Ah don't you just love those magnificent mornings. Fuck I sure do. They let you take on the day. They let you shine at whatever it is you do. Simply put - magnificent.

Now I'm Really Fucking Angry....

Hi all - I guess I only write this blog when there are crisis in the air. Well there are crisis again, but it is good times still. It seems that my venture of employment has again taken a downswing and I am left standing in the middle of the road with my pants down. Just four days after my grandfather gasps his last breath - the kind, integrity-driven, people caring, company that I worked so hard for have decided to "Let me go."

After weeks of praise, admiration, assurance and reverence, they pulled the rug out from under me and I didn't have any clue - or see it coming. (Yes this entry is therapeutic.) As they lead me into the office I was expecting an increase in salary or some sort of recognition.

There reasoning was that "they" were sorry but they had hired the wrong type of person for the position - not just a week prior the founder of the company told me that I was the perfect person and that they had all of their faith in me. There were no warnings, no offers, no signs; just a big vat of smelly fly-covered bullshit that said I was amazing over and over and how I was their savior and doing an amazing job. Talk about mixed messages. Oh well say-la fucking-vie! (I know it's spelled wrong - but I need this rant.)

I would not be so angry - if I had screwed up or I had gotten warnings - and I conclude that they all might as well take the last 10,000 charter cards that I ordered for them and wipe their asses with them. They are no different then McDonalds, Enron or George Bush for that matter.

Hilarious really; and quite interesting. The deception that the almighty dollar can inspire never ceases to astonish me. It's ok though, I will be fine, like they say It takes a long time for a person, or a company to realize what "they don't know they don't know."

I have returned.

From the depths of oblivion. From the pitch of all conscious mire. From the blanket of iniquity. I have returned. It is time to cast the first stone upon those that have abandoned me. It is time to distinguish the things that make us aspire. Behold I am one and al that there is and behold I have returned. I am unscathed and live with a pre-determined abandonment of all inhibition.

Ok, I'm just back is all.

Yea - The Seniors "Just Roll" with it.

So I had a trip to Shady Lanes rest home a few weeks ago. It's the new place my grandfather and his wife live now. It used to be a hotel but they rennovated it into a seniors resort. Each room door has a mailbox and the seniors decorate the door and the walls beside the doors like it was the outside of their houses. Their names are on the doors too - I guess in case they forget where they live.

My grandfather and his wife have joining rooms - each with a single bed, TV, loveseat and a few other things. There was shit on my grandfather's bathroom carpet. He uses a walker with wheels to get around when he has to - but spends most of his time in a chair napping.

When I got there it was about 80 degrees farenheight in his little room - he was wearing a cardigan and complaining he was cold. Needless to say it was a different kind of experience. It made me feel mortal to say the least. But the seniors they just seemed to "roll with it" - shit and all. I wonder often what they think deep, deep inside. What is really going through their heads? Is it any different then ours, besides maybe just a little bit more foggy?

Don't worry - if we are lucky we will all get a chance to find out.

The intercom goes off and a woman's voice greets us: "good afternoon Shady Lanes residents dinner will be served in fifteen minutes - there is a choice of roast chicken or teriaki beef, thank you."

On this que my grandfather begins to prepare for the ardorous task of getting himself out of his big chair and over to his wheeled walker. He totters around a little burning away the next ten minutes while we all just stand around waiting - sweating in our clothes. Finally his shit is in gear and we are out in the hall. As my grandfather makes the turn out of his room and into the hallway other patrons slowly diffuse into the corridor and it is soon filled with hunchbacked blue-hairs riding hard and senior-fast, on their wheeled walkers. As slow as the process is you know they are all rushing. You know they are rollin' with the shit so they can dig down on the free eats in the nearby cafeteria.

Yea - from what I can tell the seniors they just roll with it. I guess the little things become the big things when you get tired just trying to get your leaky ass down to the Shady Lanes cafeteria. There is knitting displays and other crafts for sale on the trip to the slophouse. I try to convince myself I should buy something - but there isn't anything worth while. My grandfather ambles along in tandem with other members - he doesn't talk to any of them but they all seem to share some sense of silent camaraderie.

Once we get seated teenagers start to bring out the food. They are removed from their task and there doesn't seem to be any human element in what they are doing. The clash of the emotionally stunted teens and the seasoned aged gongs at my senses as I watch them interact. The food is hard to swallow but the gang of geriatrics seem to take it in at break-hip speed. The coffee is weak and tepid, the decor garish colonial, ala silk flowers and pastels.

Yeah - the seniors they just roll with it. They just keep on keeping on I guess.

The experience is a sour one and the whole time I'm there I wanna leave. I wanna just get out and hope that I never end up here - but I know I will. I just roll with it and take one for the team. I just roll with it and tell them It was good food and a great place. Just so it helps them to think it is. Just so I do my part to make things a little better for them. I will go back a hundred times and I will hate every second - but I have to go - I want to go. Just to give them something normal. Just to let them know that I know, I too, am going to be there - with my shit on the bathroom carpet.

Well it's Thursday and I have four days left before I start my new career as Creative Director for an International Multi-Million-Dollar Corporate Coaching Company.

It's funny how, you know, I was just pining for the position - agonizing over getting it, and then when I got it, it was euphoric and it still is - but now I am counting the days prior to my start date. Hilarious really if you think about it - I have had lots of time off - more than enough - but now I feel like I am running our of time. Gee like five months isn't enough of a break? Well the pain is over and I feel really good about everything again.

I feel grand. Like any minute a rainbow might just shoot out of my ass.

Thinking = Feeling = Action = Result.

We are what we think (most of you should know this already). I have been pre-occupied with getting myself warmed up for the "future". The great thing I have realized is how much I really did hate that "other" job. How it was like dipping myself into a coating of lead each day I walked in there. How oppressive the management was and how completely barbaric their management style is and was. There are a thousand other places just as bad - most places have their bugs - but some of them make it hard to stay positive and make sure that our thinking is thinking good things - not bad things.

If we think bad things we feel bad things and then we do bad things and then we get bad results.
Toxic environments breed negative thinking and be-little the concept of reinforcing self esteem. To rule with an iron fist is an arcane practice and it can only harbor resentment and a lack of respect.

There is a high percentage of people that work for superiors that have a 60 point less IQ. This is stated as fact and it is a common challenge to have to learn to work around such hurtles.

I remember being so terrified of loosing my job, or getting in trouble, or saying the wrong thing, or maybe not doing what was expected of me. I remember constantly having to watch my back, wondering if there was a conspiracy, did I take too long for lunch, did the last project not really go the way "they" wanted it to, was there something that I did wrong, does everyone hate me?

Sure, sure I know all of this stuff is just thinking and we are what we think - or at least we can control what we think. But a toxic environment will wear down your positive nature. It will make you loose your work valued candor. Slowly your guard will rise and you will fall victim to the messages and messaging that surrounds you.

Essentially there is no way that a person can hold on that long trying to keep a faithful and positive attitude if their environment doesn't reflect it. Power is a sacred and noble chair. You can look at it two ways - is your boss the good witch of the east or the wicked witch of the west? Each one has equal power and each one chooses to use it in a certain way.

I had no idea how programmed I was. I had no idea how oppressed I was. I had no idea how miserable I was. I had no idea how afraid I was. It was almost as if I had taken on the personality of my rulers. They had changed me into a different person.

But now I have been set free. I have had the time to get myself back. To be able to center my core and look at finding a way to start to grow again as a human being. To be able to marry my career back into my life and have them work in harmony together. No longer does my life consist of a full day of nightmares and an escape route home to heal and feel better.
Now I have it all back, and then some.

Sure this is an optimistic post - one of the first in some time. There is always room for a little optimism and there should be room for a whole hell of a lot more. So if things are getting unbearable get out of what you are in. Get out before your life is over. Get out before you get so damaged that you won't be able to fix yourself.

Your life is yours and the only thing holding you prisoner is yourself (I know easier said than done). You've got kids to feed, bills to pay - but should the cost really be painful? Are you willing to spend the balance of your life in a bad place just to pay the bills? I used to think so. Ah well - the paycheck is good right?

I will end here. I could go on for hours because I guess I am getting a little of my thunder back. 12 hours of motivational life coaching can do that to you.

I don't think that earning a living has to be a painful venture - and if yours is, get out as fast as you can. Take the risks and be terrified for a few months - it will pay off in so many ways.

At least it did for me.