Wow, get a load of me.

Inside things feel different lately. Inside things are changed. I think that maybe i am transforming into something else. I feel lately like I could just change my shape or maybe in a few weeks or so I might wake up one morning and just be a different person. It has nothing to do with me not liking myself - oh not a thing to do with that. I am still the biggest narcissist ever. I still love to look at pictures of myself and rub myself for pleasure. I still love to take long walks down mirrored hallways and pretend that I wear a size 30 waist. I still love to think that all of the 22 year old women pine over me as soon as they lay their eyes on me. As a matter of fact i am sure that all women love me unconditionally - the world is my convenience store and I can pick whatever I want, whenever I need it.

My wife tells me that I am amazing. She tells me that the sun beams out of my anus and that i am a super hero in disguise.

Yeah - I guess I am pretty good. If you don't believe me just ask someone that knows me - they will tell you how amazing I am - as a matter of fact I will just come out and say it - fuck man, am I ever amazing.

Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb?

In the late '70s and early to mid '80s I remember loosing sleep over the end of the world. I remember watching all of those really bad apocalyptic films like Def Con 4 and Solient Green. I was sure everything was going to end at any minute. I would wake up and everyone would be dead and I was going to have to run over their dried out corpses in shopping malls to escape the rabid nuclear fallout maniacs that wanted to eat my sweet flesh.

Well I guess it is about what - 26 years later and we are all still here? There doesn't seem to be any real media attention towards the chance of the world exploding any time soon. We just hear about how we are killing each other - terrorism has replaced Armageddon.

I wonder if everyone worries about the end of the world the way I did in my early teens or if it was just a cultural stage I lived through. I surmise it was the latter because I don't see much hubbub about anything like it any more. There are no double album releases about the toils of war or death by draconian empire and a lout of mutants. It's all just about getting that sweet o'le honey pot and a bag o'cash so you can represent. Or the inner angst of the self and how it tears you apart. I miss the idea of us all getting blown to bits and then slowly dieing from fallout and tainted water. Somehow that notion seemed a little more sophisticated then the fears we see rumiating in this decade.

Radiation makes me horny.

I don't understand much any more. Most mornings I wake up with at least one why going through my head and I guess that is what keeps us going. I find that lately my writing is the only logical thing in the world. I am tired of getting caught up in the status race and loosing perspective on my own motives for doing things.

Whew - this is a heavy one huh?

The photo works for me on so many levels and I don't know why and I can't explain it to you. I was just drawn to it. For some reason it makes me think of radiation. It looks to me like she is basking in the glory of the atomic age.

If I see another GAP window display I think I am going to puke. The cycle of the consumer machine is starting to get to me - even if I still want to buy everything I see. I hate the higher level of it but still want my stuff. Give me MORE stuff. This woman has everything - don't you just know it? and If I am wrong I know one thing - she sure has a great set of tits. Whatever. I can't seem to focus today. I can't seem to get anywhere without looking at something to buy. I would like to see 1000 women standing like this one on the beach of Lake Ontario all at once. Basking in the glory of our filthy society and taking in all of the poison we have made to create things like Zip-Lock bags to take our lunch in. I hate the way we have made this planet, but it still makes me horny.

Please help me.

Oh god these empanadas are killing me - the farts are enough to remove the paint off of antique furniture. Kensington market really makes some anti-social food. Good on the going in and hauntingly disturbing on the way out. How do all of those hemp toting dreadlocked, pierced, anti-offshore, free trade coffee drinking activists put up with it? I have to confess most of the things, or places that I have eaten that are quoted as healthy or organtic all end up just plain giving me the shits.

Now you may say that it is just my gentile nature or more to do with my delicate costitution but I don't buy that at all. For me black bean soup should be classified as a hazardous material. Tofu is license to drop bombs on all of those innocent bystanders at the Carrot Common.

And why does free-trade coffee taste like creek mud?

Oh, there I go again - ewe. Is there any way I can get away from myself?

I'm feeling a little fetid.

Yes my concentration is wavering and my libido is plummeting. There seems to be this hankering odor that I can't get off. It leeches out of my skin like tree-sap and I watch myself slough off repeatedly. I have blisters and welts. I have eruptions and lesions. Oh dear. Oh no. I'm feeling a little tough today. I'm feeling a little like I have been soaked in brine.

Oh dear.

My nipples are scorching.

No furnace on, and I had to break the ice in the toilet to take a dump. Dalbir and I have secretly been seeing each other and it has been great. Last week I lost my baby son at Walmart and we still haven't found him. The cops are telling us that there is a cult going around and stealing babies, cooking them, eating them. They seem to not give us much hope of finding him. Oh well we are supposed to be optimistic in life right? So I say at least there is one less mouth to feed. Today things are going a little better for me. Today I only had one episode. Yesterday, three of them in a row. My wife had to change my diaper three times. She says sh has never seen so much shit come out of one person - I tell her that it doesn't matter what I eat - I have been full of shit my whole life. It's nice not hearing the baby. My hands are cold but my nipples are scorching. Daniela keeps putting her cigarettes out on them - but it is fun to pick at the scabs.

wwwraaaaa

Sitting on a night-train chewing on a jelly roll... Sitting on a night-train chewing on a jelly roll...
Ah yes antoher day of what the fuck to do now. Just so you know I love Karoake! Another day of pull my finger and sniff my ass. Here pull it. Go ahead and pull it you fuck.

......................eh.......................

September 5th and the weather is grey. Grey is a good way to describe it. There is a cat sitting on my lap as I type this and I feel like my guts are made of plasticine - is that how you spell it? At times I want to open the second story window of my office and puke out of it. At times I want to run out into the middle of the street and tell everyone that they are all liars. At times I want to get an RPG and clear out the houses across the street from me just to change the view. I need to cover myself up; I need to get underneath something and feel warm and dark. If my mother was still alive I would try and crawl back into her womb. Fucking stupidity, all of it is just stupid; including me. I am such a fucking narcissist. It's nauseating.

The Website - shameless advocation.

www.explainit.org
Well after two years of pissing around I have finally put my website back on the roster. There is a larger picture in mind here but it is a much more well rounded start than before. Some of the content here shows up there and vise-versa. Have a look at it and if you want me to add you to the links section let me know - I just might do it. So have a look at it and let me know what you think of it - The photos section is not done so most of the content is writing.

Calm - Everything is Calm

The leaves on the trees rustle. The birds sing. The grass is cool underfoot. Everything is calm. I love calm. It makes me so - calm. It's nice to be somewhere that makes me - lets say tranquil.

Ahhh. things are much better now. Yes. I have arrived. Oh where am I again? Right - I am in my "magnificent morning" happy place, that's it. You know - the one that lets you rule your day in a happy way! Ah don't you just love those magnificent mornings. Fuck I sure do. They let you take on the day. They let you shine at whatever it is you do. Simply put - magnificent.